Silent Treatment vs Explosive Arguments: How Men & Women Handle Conflict (And Why It Matters)

 

Let’s be honest - conflict is part of every relationship. Whether it’s romantic, familial, or professional, no two people will always agree. But have you ever noticed how differently men and women tend to handle conflict?

It’s like watching two completely different movies - one is a silent indie film, and the other is a full-blown action blockbuster.

So, why is it that when tensions rise, one partner goes completely quiet while the other erupts like a volcano? And why do these opposing styles seem to clash so much? Let’s unpack it.

 

The Silent Treatment: The ‘Freeze’ Response

Often (but not always), men tend to lean toward the silent treatment during conflict. It's not necessarily out of spite - it’s more like retreating to their cave to process what’s going on.

For many men, silence is a form of emotional self-regulation. They're not ready to talk yet. They need to think, cool down, or just escape the intensity of the moment. Unfortunately, to their partner, this often looks like stonewalling, indifference, or emotional withdrawal.

But here’s the kicker - while they’re quiet, they’re not always calm. Their minds are often racing with thoughts like:

• “If I say something now, I’ll make it worse.”

• “I don’t know how to respond.”

• “This is too much. I need space.”

The silent treatment becomes their armour - problem is, it creates even more distance.

Explosive Arguments: The ‘Fight’ Response

On the flip side, many women tend to go all in. We want to talk it out, solve it, express it, get it out there. We value connection, and we feel anxious when that connection is threatened.

So what do we do? We talk louder, we cry, we push for answers. Not because we want a fight - but because we want resolution.

But from the outside, especially to a conflict-avoidant partner, this can look intense. Suddenly it feels like a firestorm, and the more we pursue, the more they retreat.

Sound familiar?

Different Communication Mindsets

At the heart of it, we’re dealing with different conflict mindsets - not just different genders.

• Some people see conflict as something to solve immediately.

• Others see it as something to survive quietly.

There’s no right or wrong - just different wiring. Add in social conditioning, childhood models of conflict, and emotional triggers, and you’ve got a recipe for misunderstanding.

The Problem? It Becomes a Cycle

Here’s how it usually plays out:

1. One partner goes quiet.

2. The other escalates to get a response.

3. The first partner shuts down more.

4. The second gets louder, angrier, or more upset.

Round and round we go.

What started as a small disagreement becomes a breakdown in communication. Not because of what was said - but because of how it was handled.

So, How Do We Break the Cycle?

Here’s the part where we get honest - with ourselves and each other.

If you tend to go silent:

• Let your partner know you need a pause, not a disconnect. A simple “I need 20 minutes to think, and then I’ll come back” can work wonders.

• Silence without reassurance feels like abandonment. Offer a timeline. Stay emotionally present, even if you’re not talking yet.

If you tend to get explosive:

• Ask yourself: “Is this about solving the issue - or needing to be heard?”

• Practice pausing before raising your voice. Not to silence yourself - but to ground yourself in clarity.

• Remember: intensity doesn’t equal effectiveness.

For both sides:

• Use safe words. Yes, like in the movies - but emotional ones. Something like “I need a timeout,” “Can we hit pause?” or even a humourous phrase you both agree on.

• Set a “return” rule: If one walks away, they must come back when ready. Don’t leave things dangling.

• Work on self-awareness. Are you reacting to the present moment, or past wounds?

Final Thought: We’re Not Enemies - We’re Just Wired Differently

Conflict isn’t the enemy. Avoidance and miscommunication are.

Whether you’re the one who shuts down or the one who fires up, both styles have strengths and weaknesses. What matters most is learning how to meet in the middle.

Relationships thrive when we learn to speak not in the way we understand - but in the way our partner can receive.

Because at the end of the day - it’s not about who’s louder or quieter.
It’s about who’s willing to listen.

© 2025 Marlena Pakula. All Rights Reserved.